Boys will be boys. How often do we hear that uttered to explain away the dominant or bullying actions of boys on the playground? Or even in the boardroom. Sometimes this is said in exasperation or endearment, or at other times with resigned acceptance. Words matter. By using these words we somehow show this acceptance of toxic behaviour, implying that boys and men are naturally wired this way and so really cannot be accountable for their behaviour. It is as if we accept that manliness is some mysterious force by which men take   on   the   ‘superpowers’   of   strength,   boldness, bravery and leadership because womxn are vulnerable, emotional and unpredictable. Our language bolsters and reflects a manliness where sex and aggression equal strength, and where a man’s status as a ‘man’ can be taken away if he shows so-called feminine traits of vulnerability or emotion. In which case, he will be told to ‘man up’. If we listen to the words we use and hear, and the conversations we have, we realise that we are not dealing with some unspoken code – we use our language to explain, uphold and mystify toxic masculinity.

This toxicity thrives on and is driven by cultural norms and socialisation based on the ideas of masculinity that are centred on male control of womxn, male sexual entitlement, inequitable gender attitudes, risk-taking and antisocial behaviour. The breeding ground for gender-based violence and femicide. Alongside this, our families, society and systems of power entrench ideas about femininity that promote womxn’s subordination to men and encourage womxn to be complicit with violence.

And so when we say ‘boys will be boys’ in our patriarchal system, we are breathing life into a socialisation that normalises violence, and GBVF in particular. Toxic masculinity seeps into our institutions and spaces, and dictates the way we work and live, and the way we walk alone at night. It is found in the bloodied bodies of a young gay activist killed for being ‘that way’, and in the mind of the little girl who has just been told to wash dishes as playing soccer outside with her brothers is a ‘boys  sport’.  It  hurts  men  and  boys  too.  It  denies exploration of emotions, it denies the very expression of the spoken words of ‘I am not ok, I need to talk about how I feel’. It denies access to the ‘old boys club’ for those who do not excel at ‘manly’ endeavours. It hurts the little boy who is told not to tell anyone – ever – that uncle has just raped him. It hurts the young man who feels the pressure of winning, winning, winning – all the time.

Evidence shows that we need to change the way society thinks about GBVF and rationalises it if any of our interventions are going to be successful. Social behaviour change is a huge project, as is changing gendered norms. The NSP on GBVF provides a roadmap for us to dismantle our patriarchal systems, restore justice, provide  survivor  support,  encourage  womxn’s economic power, and ensure accountability at the highest levels of decision-making and in government. It is also about preventing and peeling away toxic masculinity in our work spaces, our faith spaces and our communities. It is about how we divide the labour in our home and how we love or dismiss each other, in the language we use with and about each other. And the words we tell ourselves. Words matter.

• Gil Harper