While there is much focus on the need to dismantle toxic masculinities in South Africa and develop alternative, positive and transformative masculinities, it is seldom that men speak out by deeply and humbly reflecting on their lived experience.

Acclaimed author, journalist and columnist Bhekisisa Mncube is one such man who tells his story publicly from media articles to speeches to being part of safe space dialogues.

His story is that from abused to abuser to GBV activist. He shares his experience being brought up in a broken home with an abusive and neglectful father, how he watched helplessly as his mother was abused. His brother repeatedly sexually assaulted him in the bed they were forced to share in their tiny house.  As he grew up, he turned to alcohol and drugs, became a delinquent, and lived on the streets for some years. Explaining his role as an abuser he tells of how he and his schoolboy friends kidnapped their girlfriends ‘just for fun’ at a party and how he regretted raping his very first girlfriend. He was well known on the streets and felt he could take any woman he wanted.  In another incident, Bhekisiswa only stopped beating a girlfriend because he panicked when she started bleeding. One day, when he had hit rock-bottom, he had a dream which brought him face-to-face with the reality that he had become the man he hated the most– his own father. At that point, he returned to complete his studies and withdrew into himself in an attempt to rebuild himself.

His story of change was painful. He dealt with major depression and the torment of having participated in gender-based violence – both as victim and perpetrator. He vowed to break the generational curse that had destroyed many lives – it had pulled his sister also into a cycle of abuse, almost destroyed his own life and left his brother in denial of his mental health disorder.

Going public, Bhekisisa has taken responsibility for his actions:

“My adult view is that women have suffered enough; now the titanic battle to defeat the scourge of violence against women and girls is on every man and boy.

I have committed myself to tell my shameful story to ignite an honest conversation about men’s role – both as survivors and perpetrators – in rebuilding our broken social fabric. It truly is in our hands.”

Owning his story and trying to influence social change has been costly: Most of his male friends and associates distanced themselves from him after his book[1] was first published. When he shared in the We Will Speak Out-hosted forum in December last year, he was met in part with suspicion and rage by some of the women present. But he believes strongly that his purpose in life is “now to use writing as a form of healing as a volunteer in the fight to end violence against women and girls.”’

This article appeared in Issue 10 of KZN Gender Vibes – Asantes founder and Executive Director, Gil Harper, is a co-editor.

[1] Bhekisisa Mncube. The Love Diary of a Zulu Boy. July 2018. Penguin Random House South Africa.